Ten Rules for Divorce

July 31st, 2012 by Regina Brett

What are the rules for divorce?

 

Kathryn R. just sent me this email:

 

"Regina, I need your help in establishing 10 rules of divorce. My husband announced he is leaving because he is not "in love with me" after 14 years. We have two children ages 5 and 6. I have yet to tell my family and most friends.

 

"I need something to keep me in check. I am incredibly hurt, and have a strong suspicion of an affair (not fully confirmed, I wish he would just admit it). But right now, I need 10 rules to keep on the right track. Thanks, Kathryn"

 

Kathryn, I feel honored that you turned to me for help. I've never been divorced but married a man who was and have countless friends who have been through it. Here's what they taught me:

 

1. It's too soon to tell:

It's too soon to tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If it's forever over or just a temporary split. You are just at the start of a process. Don't judge it or you or him too harshly. Don't analyze and awfulize this every minute of every day. It's too soon to tell what it all means and how it all ends.

 

2. Be the heroine of your life story, not the victim of it.

That's up to you. No one can make you a victim without your permission. You don't need him to be the villain and you the victim. That doesn't help anyone, especially your children.

 

3. This man will always be the father of your children. 

Your children need to hear you speak kindly and lovingly of their dad. If you need to bash him and vent, do so when they are not around. They share his DNA. They don't want to feel they, too, are the bad guys.

 

4. Appoint yourself CEO of your joy.

It is no one else's job to make you happy. Period. Maybe he did for a while, maybe he never did. Doesn't matter. It's up to you to build a life of joy no matter what life hands you. See it through the eyes of gratitude. You can survive without him. You can't survive without you.

 

5.  Create a 9-1-1 list of people to help.

 Put their names and cell phone numbers on an index card you carry with you at all times. Ask them to be "on-call" to lend you an ear, a shoulder, a tissue, an old plate to break in an empty parking lot, the number for a good attorney. Create your own support Dream Team of the most positive people you know.

 

6. No playing bad home movies.

It's tempting to drift back in time and replay all the times he hurt you or loved you like crazy, which can make you feel crazy now. Stay present. Stay put in this day.

 

7. Pray for the serenity to accept the things you can't change.

If he had an affair, you can't change that. If he is in love with someone else, you can't change that. If he can't be talked out of the divorce, you can't change that. Acceptance means you align yourself with what is and start from there.

 

8. Breathe.

Just pause and breathe. Take a deep breathe and count slowly to six. Exhale slowly as you count to six. The slower you breathe, the more you will feel calm. Breathe in the love of God; breathe out the love of God. There is a place of peace inside of you -- find it. It is there. It's like the centerpiece in the snow globe. He shook your snow globe and all the pieces went flying, except for the core of you. No one -- no one -- has the power to shake that.

 

9. Nothing you want is upstream.

I love that line. Stop strugglng. Stop swimming against the current. Stop forcing yourself on life and insisting it change. Turn and go with the flow. A God who loves you is in charge of this flow. Trust where the current is taking you. It's somewhere better. Trust me. Better yet, trust you.

 

10. The best is yet to come.

As good as he was, you deserve better. You deserve the best. If this relationship is truly over, then he must not have been the best. He was a dress rehearsal. Maybe he was a great appetizer or the salad course. But he wasn't the main dish. And he sure wasn't the dessert.

 

The next relationship will be even more life enriching and life affirming. Tell the Universe, "I am ready for my perfect good." Include your children in that perfect good. Keep your heart wide open and be ready for it to fill up with even greater love. 

Comments (9)

Soap Box Derby

July 29th, 2012 by Regina Brett

The Soap Box Derby takes you back in time.

 

The 75th All-American Soap Box Derby was last weekend in Akron. What are your memories of those early derby races?

 

Our dad could just walk around the garage and find parts here and there. I wonder if there’s still a place for building a derby in the age of Facebook, texting and video games.

 

I asked my brother Michael, who is 59, for his memories of those derby days. Here’s what he wrote:

 

“The organizers of the Portage County derby had about 10 workshop meetings on Saturday mornings in the basement of the Chicken Manor Restaurant midway between Kent and Ravenna. The meetings lasted for about an hour. They walked you though the process of building the car and answered questions. This was in addition to the ‘how to build it’ instruction book they gave you when you first signed up to enter.

 

At the end of each meeting they gave everyone a chocolate Sunday. It was just vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce but the first time they passed these out I thought I died and gone to heaven. At later meetings I couldn’t wait for the discussion part to be over so that we could get down to the business of having our ice cream. I imagine a lot of the other kids also felt that way.

 

I was entered in two races. I believe they were in the summer before 7th grade and in the summer before 8th grade. No one in my age group really had a lot of working experience with tools and stuff. I could hardly lift up a hammer, let alone work with an electric drill, so the workmanship was not really high quality.

 

Some of the adults/parents sometimes talked about how much help kids might have had from an adult working on their car but none of the kids cared or talked about any of that. We were always appreciative of any help we could get. To us, that instruction manual may as well have been the specs on how to build a space capsule.

 

When you signed up, the box of parts contained four wheels, two axels, four nuts and one steering wheel. I couldn’t believe that was it. I had no idea what I was in for. The first year's car wasn’t fancy but I won at least two heats.

 

After building the first car, dad took us out to a country road that he called Brugman's hill, because it was near Brugman's sand and gravel quarry. We were at the top of this deserted country road at the top of a hill looking down and took the derby out of the station wagon. Dad just said get in and try it out.

 

I started out riding in the car going down the hill and trying to keep my head down to be aerodynamic. The car started going way too fast and bouncing around like crazy. It wasn’t the smoothest road in the county, so I said, ‘To hell with all of that aerodynamic stuff.’

 

I was just trying to keep the car steered in the middle of the road while using the brake to slow it down. The brake didn’t help much. Eventually the car reached the bottom of the hill and I survived. But for me as a young kid, it really was a terrifying experience. After that, the actual race was nothing. The hill wasn’t as steep and the road was a lot smoother. To this day I have no idea what dad must have been thinking.

 

The second year, dad tried to get fancy and told me to mix up some fiberglass that he bought to smooth out and give the car's body a nice finish. I was supposed to mix it up and let him know when it started to harden. Well, I'm mixing it, it starts to harden and I mention this to dad who as usual, was off doing some other work in the shop. Time passes and the mixture continues to harden. More louder calls for dad's attention, with the response he will be there in a few more minutes. Finally he finishes what he's working on and stops by my bench. By now, the stuff I'm working on is a solidified mass of glop which we proceed to throw in the trash. That was the last of our attempts to get fancy.

 

Looking back I am amazed at all of the adults that volunteered their time for the workshops, inspections and day of race work. When you are a kid you don't realize that all of these adults have jobs and other family commitments that they need to deal with. It was only after I received your e-mail that I thought about how many people volunteered their time for these events. Be sure you thank any that are still around.”

 

To all those who helped kids like my brothers, a big thanks from all of us who have great race day memories.

Comments (0)

My neighbor Joe

July 21st, 2012 by Regina Brett

I passed by Joe's house the other day and stared at the empty chair on the porch.

 

He used to sit there like the guardian of the street. He might have looked like an old man to strangers, but we neighbors knew him for the hero he was.

 

Dr. Joseph Foley was one of the first doctors to prepare the beach at Normandy before the D-Day invasion. He dodged bullets to save the lives of countless men and held the dying in his arms.

 

He was a neurologist who listened to patients and focused on them, not their disease or disorder.

 

What I will remember most is his wit and charm, and hearing a man who had seen so much war, constantly pray for peace.

 

Joe's funeral was on Tuesday. He was 96 when he died. The chuch was filled with hundreds who loved him. The Mass was celebrated by six priests and a bishop.

 

My friend, Father Don Cozzens, gave the eulogy. He said Joe loved attention but saw the danger of being the smartest or funniest person in the room. He knew we're most alive when we die to our ego self and live for others, Don said.

When asked once what he was thinking about, he told the priest, "Women and sex," then blushed at the redundancy, Don said.

 

Don said that Joe, like Jacob in the Bible, wrestled with his faith, his God and his church. He was a coffee house theologian who lived those words in Micah: Act justly. Love tenderly. Walk humbly with your God. Joe never understood one thing: Why do smart people think war is a tragic necessity?

 

Perhaps he has found that answer now.

 

Near the end of the Mass, someone reminded us, "No one is really dead unless they are forgotten."

 

Joe will live forever, in me, in his patients, in his friends, in his family, in the countless children of the children of the children of all those he saved through his work and his prayers.

 

 

 

 

 

Comments (0)

God winked

July 13th, 2012 by Regina Brett

Ever have one of those moments when God winks at you?

 

Today I sent a brief email to a co-worker who broke his leg and just got the cast off but can’t yet return to work.

 

Here’s what I wrote:

 

“Good to hear the cast is off. Do you feel like a castaway now? Bad joke. Hope you are keeping up your spirits.

“You're probably tired of being in the "slow lane." That's what I called it when I had chemo & radiation years ago. It felt like everyone else was zooming by me and all I was doing was trying to feel better or at least keep down lunch.

“This is a strange precious time, really. You may never get this chance to step away from your life and the busy-ness of it. Savor what you can in this slow lane. I remember watching a butterfly land on my balcony rail every day at 11 am. It had a flight pattern and I was there to witness it. Small stuff, but isn't that what life is really made of?

“Be well and enjoy the small and slow show that you get to witness.”

 

I hit send, then walked into my bedroom to get something. There, on the balcony rail, was a butterfly.

I looked at the clock. It was 11 a.m.

Not kidding. Life sure is amazing.

Comments (5)

Foreign fans

July 10th, 2012 by Regina Brett

“What is most personal is universal.” How true.

My first book, “God Never Blinks,” is in 22 countries. My second book, “Be the Miracle,” came out in January and is already in six countries

I love getting emails from readers all over the world. Here are a few:

Joy wrote: "I bought your book ‘God Never Blinks’ at a Christian gathering in Sweden where I live. Even though I'm having trouble believing in God, your book took me with storm. The following morning I had only around 5 chapters left to read - and since then I've re-read them, told my friends to read them and underlined all the quotes I need to be reminded of to find the strength I need to get through each day. I'm 18, but I've never appreciated life. I've been having problems in seeing the beautiful, since I've only focused on the ugly. I've been too harsh on myself, not feeling worthy of living, but your book was that light I needed to see things in a different way. I'm now living day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I wish you everything good. Love, Joy, 18, Sweden."

 

Fernanda wrote: "I am 12 years old and I'm from Mexico (So I don't speak very well English) I know that I am young but your book ‘Dios nunca parpadea’ inspired me to be better writer and to improve on the purpose of life, now that I know that God has a great purpose for everyone. Thank You. GOD BLESS YOU (today and tomorrow)"

 

Stephanie wrote: "I am a reader who lives in Bogota, Colombia. I finished reading the book 2 minutes ago. I just felt the need to let you know that yes, you changed my point of view of many things and deeply touched my life. I have bought myself a lot of books and sent them around to people I know will value your wisdom and life experiences. Thank God for people like you that not only live, but shares their live through this book.”

 

Norie wrote: "I am a Japanese woman living in Tokyo, Japan. I just finished reading your book 'God never blinks' in Japanese translated version. This is very encouraging and lovely book--thanks to you! My friend borrowed the book in the community library and she really liked it and recommended it to me. It gave me a lot of encouragement and positive feeling to my life. I just wanted to tell you that your book is great, and let you know that your book is in the community library of some city in Tokyo and giving a positive energy to readers' mind. What a wonderful thing to give something good to people who live in the other side of the world.”

 

Frances wrote: “I am sooo grateful for your way of sharing...so heart lifting and encouraging. I was thrilled when I came back to Mexico last month from Chicago to find your book translated and available!!! I would sum up your experiences in a phrase my mom left me..."PUT OUT FOR WHAT YOU WANT, TAKE WHAT YOU GET AND WORK ON THE DIFFERENCE. You sure did!!!! Blessings to you and your family and all your readers."

 

Kristine wrote: "I am 33 years young woman from Latvia. Some days ago I finished to reed your book God never blinds translated in LV. This book I got from my friend who red it, too. Thank you very much! It is amazing. If you can write book where I can cry, then book is great. I will make present for my mom on 60th birthday as you did for your husband. She had cancer the some as you. You are open and tell your life, nothing else, just tell without advices. If I am so clever I can see advice by myself. And I did. Thank You!"

 

A great big thanks to all of you for reading the books and for taking the time to write. You touch my heart and make this big world feel a whole lot cozier.

 

 

 

 

Comments (2)